to -MY- mistakes of Cowardice

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 20:43:10 GMT

new livejournal

add me and i'll add you!

beekeeprsdautr

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 05:45:32 GMT

Sarina Sheth
Mr. Cicione
T.O. K. 11
16 February 2006

For my Extended Essay I plan on writing a paper on

......?

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 18:29:52 GMT

this weekend was good.. its blizzarding out right now but that comes last. um friday i went to spotlight with my sons and after went to the pool hall w/ them and danny and then to the diner with mench dave and shana.. it was a decent night i was sooo tireeeed

satuday i slept and read catcher in the rye all day and then frank came home from berklee early! so we went to rose and sage to see aj perform and he was very good.. and we went with alissa too so it was cute and also harry plays drums really well! and then it was starting to blizzard so berbiey came back here and we cuddled for an hour and i love him very very much

today i woke up in antarctica. and im stil in cuddle mode.
<3333333333

CrAzY MoToX KID: heavy breathing

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 01:35:03 GMT

haha
this weekend was good.:) saturday afternoon frank came over and we just chilled for a while it was nice we hardly spend time alone together anymore i was very hyper and smiley after he left, things are going well with us again :). then robbie and kerry called and i spent a long time on the phone with danny which was ill cuz we havent done that in a while and so peeps came over and we played beer pong and it sucked hahah and then we were pretty wasted danny called the diner and took shots of some candy and chips haha oh yeah joe, felicia, josh and will came over also.. at like 10 my stepmom was getin home so we left and went to applebees and it was a good time.. josh drove me home later.. fun stuff.

the next day was the superbowl party at marks! me and frank baked brownies together and went over there and a bunch of peeps were there chilln like andy katie steff evan cristina steve ben kim nick berk i hope i didnt forget anyone it was chill but i wasnt feelin so good so frank took me home early and tucked me in :)

and today i was mad sick i threw up a lot and was cryign cuz im pathetic but now im feelin a bit better and am updating cuz danny asked and im gonna go start some homework and then hopefuly talk to frank before i fall asleep again.

PEACEEEEEEE

Sat, 04 Feb 2006 16:28:40 GMT

i was in love with the place in my mind in my mind
i made a lot of mistakes in my mind in my mind

=) frank robbie kerry and i went to the bluffs last night. it was freezing. and beautiful. robbie and kerry had to leave earlier than us because it was a longer ride home for them.. but me and frank stayed sitting for awhile.. one of the greatest feelings ever just to be sitting there with him.. to still be with him after all the problems we've had..

this week has been really long and weird. me shiva vicky and mark got our stuff stolen by this asshole.. i spent all of thursday with the deans and police they caught the kid and got our stuff from him but i have to wait a week to get it back and am allowed to pursue pressing charges.

so many ups and downs
i need to just stay positive..

im trying

6 months :)

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 03:59:15 GMT

i love us because we go to chinese food restaurants where i get intimidated by the waitress and we complain that nothing is spicy enough

i love us because my room smells like flowers and i am happy even with my eyes closed

i love us because we are built for cuddling and laziness

oh and i love us because there is no one just like you for someone like me

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 16:45:46 GMT

yesterday frank came over while i was in the middle of a hardcore cleaning mode. so together we cleaned my room.. theres nothing on my floor anymore.. we switched all my shirts into drawers and hung up all my jeans. and scarves. it made me feel a little better to see my living space isnt a mess..... ergo (!) my life can be cleaned up also..

i should be in school right now. but i'm not. i'm sitting here thinking. i've been up since 6 anyway. i could have gone to school.. i've already made myself a healthy breakfast and lunch.. i did the assigned reading for english.. i'm starting my TOK assignment and in the process of searching for my spanish article. i needed this day, just to get organized, just to get my mind back and set it in the right direction..... as soon as i finish this work i'm going to run on the treadmill then take a shower.. then around 130 i'm going to nj.

i needed a day like this to get ready for that

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 18:51:59 GMT

I’m not going down on my knees,
Begging you to adore me
Can’t you see it’s misery
And torture for me
When I’m misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I’ve tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

Some people have to be
Permanently together
Lovers devoted to
Each other forever
Now I’ve got things to do
And I’ve said before that I know you have too
When I’m not there
In spirit I’ll be there

Here is a plea
From my heart to you
Nobody knows me
As well as you do
You know how hard it is for me
To shake the disease
That takes hold of my tongue
In situations like these

Understand me

- DEPECHE MODE

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 19:05:06 GMT

i am the verb "to contradict"
its what i do

and i can't.
and i shouldn't

not with this..

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 14:25:38 GMT

i LOVE french toast.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 00:58:30 GMT

so its been over 2 weeks now that ive been shaking. i thought it was much less but i checked a journal of mine when i wrote for the first time that i was scared because i was shaking so much. its muy odd. and its been a solid four days that ive been getting dizzy and feeling weak.. i wonder if maybe i need to get blood work done again..

im scared that theres something wrong with me and i'm gonna find myself in a hospital.. ive always been afraid of hospitals and i know now that theres going to be no one to visit me..

its a scary feeling, and a lonely one..

on a lighter note:midterm week, english regents tomorrow. had the deppathon today. not too depp-y. studygroups..uhhhh dramadramadrama..

mencher really helped me out a few nights ago, and i appreciate that..
and me and kim are okay now again, and that makes me feel better also
oh and tomorrow is robbies birthday! :-)

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 05:01:58 GMT

so what i've come to realize about vulnerability is that it sucks to trust because then i wind up doubting what i shouldn't and then i end up overcompensating and becoming too attached, and therefore too critical to avoid being attached and naive. and basically, expect too much and feel let down, and feel put off.. and feel like something on a to-do list, a priority (whether an important one or not isn't important).. only tasks and concepts can be prioritized. only tangible things, and i don't ever want to be a tangible thing.

i deserve more. and i'm determined to get more.

life has been interesting, i enjoy each day a little more and a little less. but more on the more side. besides for frank ive been spending the majority of my time with robbie and kerry. me and robbie hve been chillen for years but i really like kerry. ive been talking more with danny again which is awesome because hes always goibng to be someone i consider one of my closest friends. other than that, sean.. crane.. i've got woody's gloves in my kitchen somwhere.. it feels like the summer again except better.

i'm enjoying all this.

what am i not enjoying? bullshit bitchiness. immaturity. we're JUNIORS in fucking HIGHSCHOOL. its really time everyone stopped being so self centered and grew up a bit

oh and i failed my roadtest. whatever.

oh and poetry ended and that really sucks

my blood pressure has been really low the past few days and i feel like passing out all the time.. i feel realy really bad right now so im going to post this no regrets and sleep til late late late

yeah
no regrets

..........................life is a beaut
and love is french like pastries

i am le madeline

so uh fuckyou :)

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 01:22:42 GMT

There is a significant difference between sleep when I am happy and sleep like I just woke up from. The sleep I just woke up from was from exhaustion after crying, one of those mock-death things.. Where I do not recall in the slightest how I slept for 3 hours and woke up in a sweat. ( I do not sweat).

Um go spirit week.
I have to finish Peter Pan.. putting in a 12+ hour day tomorrow.
Holler

(why am i a nerd)

Sat, 07 Jan 2006 07:43:46 GMT

goatay got his car <3333333
good times to come

reached some good conclusions tonight talking.
yeah definitely good times to come!

245?!~?!? i have to sleep
much shopping, painting, poetry writing, double dating and fun to be had over the next two days.

bler, NEXT weekend i will get DRUNK. VERY DRUNK.

Tue, 03 Jan 2006 01:24:13 GMT

my lover

has

his car

!!

as of friday!

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 19:12:57 GMT

okay
so
2006.
new years was not good. sorry to everyone i was with, it wasn't you.. it was myself. new years i just broke... i'm just so tired.. and i feel too old.. it scares me.

yesterday was 5 months-and i spent an hour lying half dead while he just stared at me. i love him and don't want to scare him or myself anymore. i just want to love you. simply. but i don't know how...

this relationship makes me feel good. like, i know we are perfect right now. lying together everything is absolutely right. and i know for that i'm much better off than most people.. how common is it for a relationship to work this well? how often does a girl fall in love with her best friend? i know and you know and everyone knows that we are the real thing.. we are really in love. and its pure and its true because of who we are.. and you are the most genuine person i have ever met.. and your every emotion is in your every action and i love you for that. i read you and i trust you more than i would ever have thought. we are SO...real..i can tell. and to be one half of something this rare and this good.. well that makes me want to be okay

that makes me able to do anything that i can't do
i just need to remember that more often

when i'm lying half dead .. as if paralyzed.. for hours

this new year, is just time to be passed.. and only i can control how this time gets passed. and because of all this and all i've learned and been taught by the year that has just ended..

i know i will exhaust my body and my mind in trying to be and achieve happiness this year

i feel really good today. everything is starting over how it should be
..its a cleansing.

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 06:40:33 GMT

from nadir to zenith
ascension is accuracy
the accurate reading of tears and
of colors that dance around
like tribal saints mocking us in our store bought clothes
machinery's output in bulimic fashion
feed feed feed
and
out and out
spews rags and tuxedos
that coincidentally lie magnificently against simple skin
and beneath such skin lies such lies
that it is a miracle that one's glory may decode it
singularity (indeed, but how regarded? as the
distinctions that cause the exile from standardness
or as the scientific point
of tragic and magic distortion and disruption
where gravity toys with space and time)
how many eyelashes do you have there?
and are they enough
so that we may annex serenity in completion?
(i believe so).

thats what ive been working on for the past...i dont know.. 3 weeks? its choppy and all over the place and doesnt reference food! so i dont know how much i like it. but i feel it expresses a lot of things ive been thinking about. im actually working on something else in my head. its kind of alsoooo a mess.. but hey its okay.

wednesday was when me and frank actualy went to the city. we suck at taking teh subway and ended up in queens.. and went to the museum of natural history so i could see the dinosaurs :) and then walked in central park :) and then met my sister and then ate the bestttttt fucking meal of my life at this thai food place and then we came home...and it was the most perfect day ever. and i fucking love him so much its ridiculous and i cannot even.. ahhhhh i dont know... he is EVERYTHING i want and need adn love in my life<3333

new years tomorrow.. and at midnight its not just 2006, its also 5 months.
i hope everyone has an AWESOME night

and i hope 2006 continues being this great...

swedish fish

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 06:33:36 GMT

i'm eating some right now even though its 1 am and i wanted to go right to bed. im rereading the belljar for the sixth? time, its better every time. i love a book like that. i'm in a good mood. just got home. watched eternal sunshine with frank..we actually spent the day together..which was realllllllly good cuz i mean it must seem like we spend all our time together but usually theres so much going on and its like bahh schoolwork or even jsut bahh work but today was just lazy and perfect.

christmas was uneventful except i got a bunch of presents from frank that i lovelove like another snoop cd, and extraordianry machine and a scarf and gloves cuz im always cold and a pretty journal and some pretty things and yay :) those were kind of all i got for christmas. oh and kim got me an incense burner/box thing. its pretty sick :)

uuuuum

i'm excited to go shopping this vacation
and to go to the city!!!

aaaaaaaaand to relax and read and gettttttttttt thinggggggs dooooooooooone like start eating healthy (ha as im eating candy) annnnnnd exercise and be lazy

and i have the most pointless livejournal everrrr
:)

WOOT!

hide and seek trains and sewing machines

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 01:48:08 GMT

it makes me sad to realize how muchthought i waste on sad things..and how every day is haunted by losses....

but it makes me happy to report that as of midnight my love turns 17 and tomorrow we are going to go cruising and look at christmas lights and i love him more than anything in my life and i hope he has the greatest day ever tomorrow because all i want right now is for him to be happy

OH i have gifts to finish wrapping :)

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 03:38:39 GMT

the thing about silence is that it is NEVER single sided
any single person may initiate it, which is true,
but also debatable, because when does speech end?
do you count the last word said as a sign for the other's response? and if there is a failure to respond is that the beginning of silence? OR is the beginning when the person who WAS speaking stops speaking>? beacuse then it is THEIR fault

what i'm saying is..
a silence MUST be mutual
because any sound at all would break it

and it takes more than one to maintain a silence.
it takes one to not speak, and another to hear it
and that other to not respond, and the first to hear THAT

so

suck it

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 03:18:18 GMT

i have kept EVERYTHING worth keeping. but not just every"thing" more than just my nouns are of value the verbs and actions i choose to remain are truths and adjectives are the reallest of..real..ness.

WHAT AM I SAYING

i dont know but i do. and speaking of nouns, proper nouns, im ridiculously in love with a proper noun in my life and being with him makes me feel like at least i'm doing SOME right. and if theres love in my life that is true to this extent, everything else will follow into place......

right?

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 19:13:56 GMT

Once again, I’m standing here,
exposing my every fear,
eyes focused on the zenith, holding back tears,
a sweep of strength overwhelms me,
I’m stronger, and no longer does my heart feel empty,
cause I feel as if God is responding to my daily prayers,
hopeless transforms to hopeful, maybe he really cares,
looking up at the sky tonight and it’s a full moon,
flashback to five minutes ago, I was next to you,
and I still am,
the full moon symbolizes me and you,
because you’re my other half,
due to the way you shine,
equivalent to ultraviolet rays,
your power brightens my nights and days,
and the full moon I saw tonight taught me a lesson,
You’re truly a blessing,
for without you Daddy, I’m only a crescent.

my brother wrote that. how sad is that. :(

on a lighter note. yesterday was a good day. im feeling better and better everyday. SUSHI=++++ then we went to a realllly crappy party lol and it was really a pointless night but i had fun and i was with a bunch of really good people so i was happy.. umm.. and frank is a little too amaznig and i love how i fall asleep and so he lets himself out after plugging my phone into the charger and tucking me in :) and ummmm yeah

OH and i found my favorite jewlely and stuff from last year. it makes me happy!

what doesnt make me happy is silly people being silly and causing stupid things that almpost ruin my mood and adding to my stress as im trying to get better

oh and happy birthday to ray nanda!
and sorry to danny silverberg fromm last nigth

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 02:27:14 GMT

this weekend is going to be fun :)
and its one week til my lovers birthday..
and a little more til christmas
and christmas break
and hooray
i'm starting to feel a little better.
in case anyone noticed i was feeling badly

...but i need to buy groceries and presents and go to ihop for rays birthday and get drunk tomorrow night and im catching up on my schoolwork which is good.. but my room is a mess and my head is a mess still...

oh well. PEace Out
what sayy you abt the new layout,ehh

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 07:01:09 GMT

i thought i was going to quit this journal
but i realized what ive been doing is quitting everything im close to
well actually i was told that by a really interesting person that i'ev always been in contact with from a distance

so we broke up and got back together again.

ive been to school like once in the past few weeks

the fiona apple concert was amazing. narnia was amaznig
i feel like i have nothing to look forward to anymore

but,
maybe i do

i need myself back more than anything in the world right now

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 05:11:54 GMT

a bergofsky assignment from class:
Where do you go when you're gone?

Anywhere, here, now
Blankets, graves
To flee enormity the prehistoric
or eight feet over it all
with a bag (still warm) of kettlecorn
and at my worst (or my never felt best)
six feet under
waiting for life to rip out of my skin
and into the earth
and into the soil
Gone is waiting, gone is eternal
and lies between each inhalation
for the fragmented time
When oxygen dare not move at all
before it is exhaled,
purged
And air, Reborn.

to -MY- mistakes of Cowardice

CrAzY MoToX KID: *heavy breathing*

6 months :)

swedish fish

hide and seek trains and sewing machines

CrAzY MoToX KID: heavy breathing